Understanding Respectful Parenting And How To Do It

Sunday, April 2, 2023, 10:00

"Toddlers test, and that's exactly what they are supposed to do. A toddler has failed if he makes life too easy for us."
- Janet Lansbury, Elevating Child Care: A Guide To Respectful Parenting

Recently I received a meme from a fellow toddler mom "It's not difficult to take care of a child. It is difficult to do anything else while caring for a child."

Understanding Respectful Parenting And How To Do It

We have more information & awareness about raising a child than the generations before us. But too much information is leading to this constant fear and anxiety as a parent "AM I DOING ENOUGH?"

While we do have virtual villages, honestly, when it comes to taking care of the child, a Virtual village is, ahem, not so much of a help. The constant inflow of knowledge is leading to this crippling anxiety; for example, we must praise our children for boosting their confidence but not praise enough, or they will seek external validation.

To manage this conundrum for my sanity and most of the parents, I got in touch with Shivani A Kudva, a certified positive parenting coach & a positive discipline educator, for an exclusive chat. She has her own YouTube channel & Instagram handle, 'Diapers to wings', where she provides doable practical solutions to support our child's growth respectfully.

Q. Recently, Janet Lansbury did a podcast on "Is Parenting Too Hard? You May Be Doing Too Much" Do you agree?

A. Yes, parenting is Hard when you don't want to believe and accept what you see!! Children are inherently innocuous and natural to the core. Accepting "too much reality" ain't easy!!:) you may be doing too much when you're trying to be there all the time, rectify and analyse what they're doing and going through every single time, trying to provide solutions to every problem they face or every time they shed a tear! Just Accepting them as Developing individuals who need Empathy more than Patience is the key to Peaceful Parenting.

Q. What is your personal parenting philosophy?

A. On a personal note, Parenting to me is Soul Connection with my two children. I love them with all the love I have within me and Accept them unconditionally! I enjoy every fun moment with them and thrive with every challenge. I try my best to be Real, Regulated, and Empathic and hold no benchmarks for them to look up to! My children are their own Individual Benchmarks.

My Philosophy can be summed up in one line, "It's the rain that gives Flowers, Not the Harsh Sun!"

I'm trying the be the Rain.

Q. As I understand, the most important work we must do as caregivers is connecting with our children. If someone, for whatever reason, has not been able to do it intentionally, how can they recalibrate and begin again? Is a certain age of the child too late for a parent to change and become a better present parent?

A. To meet him where he Is the easiest and best way to connect with your child. Connect at their interests, go down to their play level, sit down, nudge shoulders and offer your silence and smile. Give them time to analyse. You're there for them. Give undivided, unstructured time to watch them open up to you. It is Never, Never late to pick up loose threads. You can connect with your Toddler, Tween or Teenager at any point. Open your heart out and express love and emotions to be with them. Watch them melt towards you!!

Q. What do you mean by positive discipline & how important is it?

A. Positive Discipline works on a non-punitive, no blame, no shame or pain Premise. It believes that Every Behaviour has a hidden message. The need of every human is Belonging and Significance. When this is disturbed or challenged, there is a deviation from regular behaviour. It works on Empowering children with life skills, emotional regulation and collaborative yet firm boundaries to discipline. It says, "A Misbehaved Child is a Discouraged Child". We work towards helping children understand their internal power and ability to handle situations with Love and understanding.

Q. Can we really stop getting angry with our children?

A. A hard truth - Anger is an Energy....and Energy can neither be created nor destroyed. It can be changed from one form to another!

You can Work on Understanding Anger, identifying it at the moment and Redirecting it instead of lashing out at the kids. Yes, we do get angry because children push our buttons, and we get triggered. We can definitely express that we're angry and want to walk out for a while. Children learn Anger Resolution from us. We all have anger; the art lies in Working towards it while detaching from the fact that Our Triggers and Kids' Behaviours are Not Related! 😊

Q. Staying calm for a grown-up is important. However, how to accomplish the zen mode all the time?

A. Mindfulness goes a long way toward being calm. Zen is a state of peace and regulation. When we make synaptic connections of handling challenging situations with a regulated mind, we make it a pattern, and a pattern becomes a habit and hence a Lifestyle.

Q. Any tips for self-regulating?

A. Breathwork, Reading, Music, Exercise, and good sleep are great ways to work on Mindfulness. Zen, for me, is a Relative Term. Do what gives you peace.

Q. What is the one thing a caregiver can do when their child has a terrible meltdown that will help?

A. The only powerful technique that the caregiver can do in the heat of the moment is-
Sit down below the eye level of the child & look deeply into the eyes. This will melt and make YOU, the caregiver, respond better. You convert your reaction to a response.

Q. Is screen time an absolute no for young children?

A. Screen time below 2 years of age is an absolute no! having said that 5 minutes of the screen here and there to get a breather never did any harm. The harm lies in making it a regular pattern of watching the screen regularly as an alternative to activity, communication, socialising etc.

Excessive screen time can have detrimental effects on the development of the child w.r.t. Communication, Social Skills, IQ levels, Speech milestones, Emotional regulation and Hyperactivity levels.

Q. How to manage the generation transition in parenting? Especially when your parents constantly say, "we didn't do any of this, and you turned out well, or we followed strict punishments and see how it effectively stopped you."?

A. Everything can be sorted with Good Connection and a Sound Tone. Generational Parenting is always with a pinch of salt.

I will always say, "That time and era were different. Exposure to technology and screens and challenges was very different. Social situations and opportunities to perform were different. Family patterns and Education levels were different. If nothing is the same now, how can Parenting be the same?!:)"

Yes, we can always respect and empathise with the parenting we were given. Still, Gentle boundaries and Firm discipline is needed in all relationships be firm on certain boundaries and flexible on some...In short, Pick Your Battles!

Remember Two clinchers with joint families and generations of parenting -

1. The Strongest Connection has the Strongest Influence

2. How You say is More Important than What You Say!

Q. How can we help our children grow/learn Empathy?

Empathy needs to be imbibed. It does not come naturally. The caregiver can practice and give actions, to imbibe by-

1. Showing and tracing gratitude for small acts of kindness
2. Explaining with great love how each one contributes to the family towards love and fulfilling their duties
3. Expressing and modelling small acts of kindness towards service staff, pets, animals and senior citizens
4. Teaching children and demonstrating what expressing emotions feels like.

Q. Any last word of wisdom for the struggling parents?

Parenting is not an increasing ramp graph...It is a graph with Crests and Troughs. You just got to sail through!! Trust the Process. Be Firm but Kind.

Children are always looking for Love; if they don't get it, they Snatch it...