The Hidden Fear Behind Avoiding Commitment : Are You Struggling With Gamophobia?

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"Hello, who is this? It's been such a long time since we last saw you, Deepthi," said her neighborhood aunt with a warm smile as Deepthi stepped into the house. Deepthi, who had just returned home from Bangalore for the holidays, gave a vague smile and nodded politely.

"Come, sit. Let's talk," the middle-aged woman said, patting the sofa next to her.

Deepthi hesitated, her travel-weary eyes darting toward her room. "I'm a bit tired, Aunty. Let me freshen up first. We can talk later, I'm here for a week," she said, heading inside.

Her mother, who overheard the exchange, frowned as she entered Deepthi's room. "That was so rude of you, Deepthi. You could've sat with her for a while."

Deepthi let out a sigh, dropping her bags on the floor. "Maa, I know exactly what these gossiping aunties want to talk about. Especially her. I know what's on her mind-'Deepthi, you're 30. Don't you want to get married? What are you waiting for? How long will you stay single? Who will look after you when you're old?'" she mimicked sarcastically.

Her mother's face hardened. "And isn't she right? These are the very questions your father and I are tired of asking you. Do you know how many people are talking behind our backs? Some think you're having an affair, while others think you're unwell. We're tired, Deepthi! If you have someone in your life, just tell us. We don't care about caste or religion. But you're 30, why won't you settle down?"

Deepthi's frustration boiled over. "Maa, I just got here! Can we not do this right now? This is exactly why I avoid coming home. Why can't someone just choose to stay single, for God's sake?"

Her mother wasn't letting it go. "But why are you choosing to stay single, Deepthi? That's the real question."

Deepthi paused and looked at her mother with a mix of anger and sadness. "If you really want to know why it's because of you."

Her mother blinked, taken aback. "Because of me? What do you mean?"

Deepthi sat down on the edge of her bed, her voice trembling. "Was your marriage a happy one, Maa?"

Her mother flinched but didn't answer right away. "No marriage is perfect. Nothing and no one is perfect in this world, Deepthi. If this is your reason for not marrying, it's foolishness."

Deepthi's eyes filled with tears as years of buried pain surfaced. "I'm sorry, Mom, but I've seen too much to brush this off as foolish thinking. Not a single day of my childhood felt happy because of you and Dad together. It was always screaming, arguing over the silliest things. I still hear his shouting and see you crying, it's burned into my mind. You two were great parents, but as a couple, you were a disaster. How do you expect me to believe in marriage when I've seen nothing but misery from yours?"

Her mother looked down, silent, while Deepthi's voice cracked with emotion. "Do you know how many times I hid under the bed as a kid, crying softly while you fought? I can't unsee it, Maa. That trauma doesn't just disappear."

Deepthi stood up to leave the room but froze when she saw her father standing at the door. He had overheard everything. His face was etched with guilt, his lips trembling as though he wanted to say something but couldn't.

Deepthi felt a pang of regret but couldn't bring herself to apologize. Instead, she straightened her shoulders, turned to both of them, and spoke firmly. "I can take care of myself. I'm bold, financially independent, and I don't need a husband to complete me. Please stop worrying."

She tried to sound resolute, but deep down, she wasn't sure of her own words. The truth was, she had fallen in love with a colleague, and when he proposed, her heart had soared. But the fear of marriage, of him turning into another version of her father made her reject him. She broke his heart, but more than anything, she broke her own.

Deepthi walked past her father, leaving both parents in stunned silence. As she stepped outside, she whispered to herself, "I just need time. Time to heal. Time to stop living in fear. And maybe, someday, I'll believe love can be different."

For now, though, she chose to find peace in being single, hoping that one day her scars wouldn't hold her back.

Deepthi's struggle here was not just about defying societal norms, it was a manifestation of a deeper psychological fear, one that many people unknowingly carry - Gamophobia, the fear of commitment. Let's explore this further.

The Weight Of Societal Expectations

Despite the warmth, Deepthi's mind raced. At 30, she was constantly reminded of her family's expectations to settle down. "Why aren't you married? Isn't it time you found someone?" Her family's well-meaning inquiries felt like a heavy burden. Little did they know, Deepthi's reasons for staying single ran much deeper than mere reluctance.

Her mother's disappointment was palpable. "Do you know how many people are talking behind our backs? Some think you're having an affair, while others think you're unwell," she said, her tone stern. The pressure to conform was suffocating.

The Root Of Deepthi's Fear

What Deepthi wasn't ready to admit was that her avoidance of commitment wasn't just about rebelling against societal norms it was rooted in a fear far more complex than anyone could understand. Deepthi had witnessed the unraveling of her parents' marriage, a union marked by constant arguments, emotional turmoil, and ultimately, resentment. The experience had left deep scars, making her question whether love could ever be truly fulfilling.

Her mother's harsh words struck a nerve: "But why are you choosing to stay single, Deepthi? That's the real question." In that moment, Deepthi realised that her fear of commitment was tied to more than just her own experiences, it was the legacy of a toxic relationship she had grown up witnessing.

Understanding Gamophobia

This is where the concept of gamophobia, or the fear of commitment, comes into play. For many, witnessing negative relationships, especially during childhood, can leave lasting psychological scars. Studies suggest that individuals who grow up in environments where they witness constant conflict between parents may develop a profound fear of entering relationships themselves. This fear stems from a deep-seated worry that commitment leads to unhappiness, rejection, or emotional pain.

Gamophobia is often linked to other phobias, such as philophobia (fear of love) or pistanthrophobia (fear of trusting others). These related fears can form a web that keeps individuals from building lasting, intimate relationships. Deepthi's reluctance to marry wasn't merely an act of rebellion, it was an emotional safeguard against potential heartbreak, something she had witnessed time and again in her parents' marriage.

A Burden Too Heavy To Ignore

As Deepthi's emotions bubbled to the surface, she blurted out, "If you really want to know why it's because of you." The words hung heavy in the air as she poured out years of pain and unresolved anger.

Her mother's face softened, but Deepthi wasn't done. "How do you expect me to believe in marriage when I've seen nothing but misery from yours?" she asked, tears streaming down her face. Deepthi had internalised the painful reality of her parents' relationship and was now fearful of repeating the same patterns in her own life.

The Symptoms Of Gamophobia

For Deepthi, the fear of marriage and commitment manifested in physical symptoms-nausea, a racing heart, and anxiety at the mere thought of a long-term relationship. This is a common experience for those with gamophobia, where the mere idea of making a lifelong commitment can trigger intense panic.

The Struggle For Independence

After her emotional outburst, Deepthi tried to distance herself from the situation, walking out of the room and away from her parents' concerned gazes. "I can take care of myself," she asserted. "I'm bold, financially independent, and I don't need a husband to complete me."

Yet, deep down, the truth was far more complex. She had fallen in love with a colleague, and when he proposed, her heart had soared. But the fear of marriage of him becoming another version of her father had led her to reject him. In the end, it was Deepthi who had been left broken, a heart she had fractured out of fear.

The Path To Healing

Overcoming gamophobia requires a deep understanding of one's fears and anxieties. Therapy, particularly cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), is effective in helping individuals confront and reframe the negative thought patterns that contribute to their fears. Couples therapy can also play a pivotal role for those in relationships, as it offers a safe space for open communication and mutual understanding.

For Deepthi, the journey to healing would require more than just time, it would require confronting the emotional wounds of her past and learning to trust again.

Deepthi's decision to remain single was not born out of a desire to defy expectations but from a deep-rooted fear of repeating the painful mistakes of her parents' marriage. Gamophobia, though not often discussed, is a very real fear for many individuals who have experienced trauma in their formative years. As Deepthi took a step outside her childhood home, she whispered to herself, "I just need time. Time to heal. Time to stop living in fear. And maybe, someday, I'll believe love can be different."

In the end, the path to healing from gamophobia is not an easy one, but it is possible. With self-awareness, therapy, and patience, individuals can learn to overcome their fears and embrace love on their own terms.