Is there a right time for divorce? - II

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divorce is never easy. It is hard on any individual. In many cases children are involved. Many girls end up getting pregnant because they believe or the family convinces them that a child will make a world of a difference and the man will change. I am yet to see this scenario being a solution to a miserable marriage. It only adds fuel to the fire. He feels more stuck and becomes more abusive and violent. The woman now feels she can never leave because of the child's sake. Yet, I am seeing more and more women take charge of their situation and leave even after the child is 2-3 years old. The women in such situations are realizing they are better off getting even a small job and separating and not compromising for the rest of their lives. It is encouraging to see Indian women becoming assertive and taking charge of their lives in this decade more than ever in the history of India.

Most recently we encountered two incidents of homicide in Maitri. One was in 2004 where an Indian girl after ten years of extremely abusive marriage to an engineer decided to file for divorce. When she came to pick up her belongings he shot her and a few minutes later shot himself too.

Last month a young girl, eighteen years old, eight months pregnant approached us. Her parents, who have lived in the U.S. for twenty five years did not want her as she had shamed them by becoming pregnant. Her boyfriend was Indian also. She came to seek shelter as she was fearful of him. He used to beat her and now had threatened to kill her. When the Maitri volunteers met with her and referred her to a shelter they could tell she had no where to go. She was at the shelter for three days and left. She was found dead two weeks later under "mysterious circumstances" which is being investigated now. We all know she was murdered by her boyfriend and she had feared it. She tried to leave and yet it was too late. At eighteen she did not know she was getting involved with a monster.

Arranged marriages to unknown guys and dowry are often blamed for such situations. Although they are a contributing factor, it is more convoluted than it appears. The divorce rate is approaching 60% in California. Which means, people who have dated for many years and have said "I love you" over and over in the course of time and are so certain before taking the vows are splitting up more so than ever before.

Do people change in the course of time so drastically that they grow intolerant of each other? Yes. They do. People out grow each other financially, emotionally and physically. Does it call for a divorce? Statistically it does. Either people compromise and hold on to a marriage no matter what or they decide the gap is only widening and they fail to find any common grounds to make it worthwhile to spend the rest of their lives in an unhappy state of mind.

Historically in joint families there was more than only the spouse to hold on to. In this decade where only two people make a home, if there are arguments and difference of opinions, both men and women are throwing the towel and calling it quits. Only the people involved are the best judges to say when and how they choose to file for a divorce. But most divorces are dragged into the courts over alimony and child custody issues, which turn into a bitter feud, and divorce lawyers become wealthier in the process!