Is there a right time for divorce? - I

Marriage And Beyond

oi-Staff

By Super

Tuesday, May 8, 2012, 10:13

Last year I got a call from Nandita, a twenty five year old girl with a young baby who wanted to leave her husband in San Jose, California. She lived in a small apartment for four years with her husband and parents-in-law with minimal contact to the outside world. She even attempted suicide by swallowing pills, which would not kill her when she was 22, but she believed she would get her parents attention and they would take her back to Bangalore. It didn't work in her favor; instead they scolded her even more and said she was immature and when she grows up she will understand more about marriage. She was from a very affluent family and grew up shopping in Commercial Street in Bangalore. When I asked her why she married this guy, she said, "My parents, are young, in their forties and always wished for me to live in the States so they could visit often." Never mind he was twelve years older than her and she never wanted to leave Bangalore. She had a good life there. This was the first I heard that twist! It is always the girl who wishes to go the States not the parents.

Most recently I had a much older lady call me. She was married for thirty-four years. For nearly two decades she knew her husband had a mistress and children in India. She had done nothing about it as she had two daughters, here in the States. After thirty-four years of marriage her husband sold the house, dropped her off at their daughter's house and moved to India. The lady is penniless and working a small odd job to make her ends meet. She called me to ask if Maitri could help her file for a divorce so she could claim a part of his pension. At age sixty, the woman in tears said, "He used to beat me often and didn't send me or the children to India for fifteen years but he went every ten months. He threw me out in the snow and I have spent all night on the pavement in the cold. At times he even punished the children and left them out with me in the cold as they tried to let me into the house. My health is failing and I need part of his pension to pay my medical bills. I need to file for a divorce."

Although I have worked with hundreds of women for over a decade, I am dumbfounded and speechless each time I hear such a story. Maitri, (www.maitri.org) an organization based in San Jose, California allows me to help women in desperate need in a formal way. Yet, due to my association with Maitri, I get various calls from friends and referrals from friends of women who desperately want to leave their spouses for invariable reasons.

When is it a right time for a woman to say, "I am done-enough is enough? I want a divorce. I don't deserve to be miserable anymore. It is my life; I don't care if any one approves of it or condones it." Is it too early after one year as in Nandita's case or is it too late after three decades of unrest to be abandoned at the prime of life? Is there really a right time? Or is it even right to divorce?

Women in India are facing a new set of challenges with newfound financial independence. We are hearing about more divorces than ever in this decade. In a society with more traditional values and strong nucleus families a woman simply could not leave her spouse in the past. Yet, here and there we heard of someone or the other who returned to her parents' house. No one either asked why, nor the parents explained to anyone what the issues were and simply avoided social gatherings and hung their heads in shame.

What happened now? Why are so many women leaving their spouses? Where did they find their voices? Why did an organization like Maitri receive over 2000 calls just this year in San Jose, California alone? Why is my friend's sister in Bangalore divorced? Why did my best friend's sister in Mysore return to her brother's house within a few months of marriage and say, "Look, I know father won't be happy, but if even you don't support me, fine, I will go live in a hostel and work." Women in this decade have become more intolerant to abuse by in-laws or spouses and are taking charge of their lives and this is very admirable as the society needs to change and it is changing faster than ever before.

My aunt started a working women's hostel in Bangalore nearly three decades ago. Women who wanted to work in a big city like Bangalore had no where to go. As I grew up and saw the kind of women there, although there were a few who were genuinely seeking a place to stay and work, many more women were begging at her door step to provide accommodation as they were in extremely cruel marriages and had no place to go. She provided shelter and encouraged them to find a job and empowered them.

Many questions above have simple yet intricate answers. Many organizations like Vimochana, Samatha, Narika, Maitri and alike have emerged all over India and abroad and created awareness in women. Bad news like divorce always spreads like wildfire in the community and along with it names of such organizations flourish. All of a sudden a network of women is speaking up about unhappy marriages. Internet has enabled women to connect with each other and seek help without even allowing the families which would persuade the girl to stay in the marriage no matter what get involved.