'Do women like to reform men'

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My poor, battered carcass has been on the receiving end of such feminine ministrations on quite a few occasions.

I remember the first time it happened to me. I was a callow youth then, just stepping out to sow my wild oats, and I fell in love. It happens to everybody. The girl in question was what we call a 'good' girl. Very prim and proper, studious, never bunking class, et al. In fact, just the opposite of everything I was. And opposites attract and I was attracted to her. So I finally uttered those three fatal words. Thankfully, my guardian angel was at Action Stations and disaster was averted. She turned me down, which is nothing new to me. It happens practically every time I am unprepared or the matronly advice attached to the rejection slip.

"No, Sunil, you must not do these things. This is not right. You've got good brains (fooled her there!). You ought to pay attention to your studies. Don't waste your time doing all this. All this is not good."

What "all this" was she did not care to elaborate, but the thing struck me forcefully. I mean, here you are pouring your heart out to a girl and looking forward to a romp in the hay, and what do you get? - Unsolicited advice. Crushed my spirit, it did!

And that was not all. Being a stubborn fellow, I did not give up. But I would get more of the same every time. I was reprimanded for not paying attention to studies, for hanging around with the "wrong" kind of people (guys who smoked and drank and got into fights), of spending more time in the canteen and the gym than in the classroom.

Actually it was quite flattering, to have someone tell you these things and I fooled myself into thinking that maybe she cared for me. Well, to cut a long story short, nothing came of it and she married and went away.

But she was not the last of her kind. The girl with the reforming zeal is quite common, you see. The world is full of these reformers and do-gooders-women who CANNOT let a guy be, who think they ought to be in charge and fuss over him and try to make him a better person. Literature is full of it. Ask Huckleberry Finn. Poor fellow, the widow Douglas made his life miserable making him take a bath and wear clean clothes and not letting him smoke or swear, but then maybe he didn't change because she was an old hag. Our Hindi movies are also full of these girls, trying to reform hooligans with love and care and maternal advice. Takes the fun out of a guy's life.

As I said earlier, these pests abound. May be it's the maternal spirit in them, may be it's a sadistic streak, or may be they're just plain jealous, but they won't let a guy have a good time.

We had in our neighbourhood a guy who was an uber cad. He failed to clear his college exams after three attempts and spent his time loafing around, a cigarette dangling from his lips, making passes at all the girls that passed by. You would have thought the women would have given him the cold shoulder, but they did not. He had several affairs, and each of the women tried to reform him. The most-sought-after girl in the locality fell for him and apparently took it upon herself to make a better man of him. He did not mend his ways of course, and she finally gave up.

Some of my friends have also married such reformers and are now going through the wringer. So the fellow who boasted cheeks that resembled a thicket now has one that reminds you of a baby's bottom. He shaved about once in two weeks and was not too particular about clothes, but now a razor and clean togs have become an inescapable part of his life. He looks harried, poor fellow, but there's little he can do.

Another friend who doesn't wear T-Shirts to office anymore because his wife feels it's beneath his dignity as a senior functionary. She wants him to "look smart" she says. She might have just as well strangled him.

These reformers also have a bee in their bonnets about drink. They would do credit to a temperance union, the way they go on about the dangers of drink.

An old friend with whom I was once intimate was shocked when I've told her about a night out with boys. "You've begun to drink!!?" and then proceeded to give me a lecture on vices. She'd once said she never wanted to see me again but after that encounter she called me up regularly to "check that you're not ruining your life" as she put it.

What afflicts these women? I don't know. Why are they bent on brining wayward males back on to the right path? In India, the common cure for such men is to get them married. "He'll improve when he's got some responsibility" is the prevailing wisdom. Doesn't always work, I can tell you! One of my good friends was married off on the grounds that marital responsibilities would shake him up and get him back on his feet. Has it? No, Sir! The situation as of now: His wife, who'd decided to take a break after marriage, is now back to work full time, while he does what he calls "free-lance" work. Translation: He works for may be 2-3 days a week and gets his pocket money while his wife takes care of the bills. He did try to go straight though: worked at a call centre for 2 months but then gave up saying it clashed with what he calls "family obligations". He felt guilty about not spending enough time with his wife.

So there you are. Why don't these women learn? They seem to think they're some kind of angel who just needs to wave a wand and, hey, presto! Naughty boy turns into respectable husband material! Ha! They learn at their peril.

Note: The writer is a compulsive satirist on relationships. And Shaaditimes does not necessarily endorse his views.