From Forever To Farewell : What Drives Couples To Divorce After 20+ Years?

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Today, many must have woken up to this shocking news; the 'Mozart of Madras' divorce after 29 long years of marriage with his wife Saira Banu all across social media.

"We had hoped to reach the grand thirty, but all things, it seems, carry an unseen end. Even the throne of God might tremble at the weight of broken hearts. Yet, in this shattering, we seek meaning, though the pieces may not find their place again. To our friends, thank you for your kindness and for respecting our privacy as we walk through this fragile chapter." #arrsairaabreakup.

This heartbreaking note was posted by A.R. Rahman on X (formerly known as Twitter) at midnight which may lead one to think about what may be the underlying causes of the rise of divorce lately, even after decades of being married to each other. And there is a new term coined for such a divorce. Let's know what that is.

Grey Divorce

In recent years, the term "grey divorce" has emerged to describe the rising trend of older couples ending their long-term marriages. Often referred to as "silver" or "diamond splitters," this term reflects the typical hair colour of people in this age group. While the phrase gained traction in the United States around 2004, the phenomenon had already been quietly shaping relationship dynamics for nearly two decades. It sheds light on how even after years together, couples may choose to go their separate ways in pursuit of a new chapter.

So what are the causes of a grey divorce?

Poor And Harmful Communication

Poor communication is often the culprit and it isn't just about talking, it's about truly understanding your partner's perspective and shared vision for life. When this mutual understanding fades, the relationship can start to unravel.

A lack of connection and increasing emotional distance are among the most common reasons older couples drift apart. But not just poor but harmful communication patterns play a significant role too.
According to the Gottman Institute, which has studied couples since the 1990s, four key behaviours: criticism, contempt (the strongest predictor of divorce), defensiveness, and stonewalling are red flags that can signal the end of a relationship.

In cases where medical conditions like a stroke affect communication, the emotional strain of losing that connection can make the decision to part ways even more painful.

Lifestyle Takes A Drastic Change

Money often becomes a silent battleground in marriages, with one partner valuing freedom and the other prioritising security. This spender-versus-saver conflict can create ongoing tension where one sees careful budgeting as restrictive, while the other views carefree spending as irresponsible.

Challenges don't stop there. In some relationships, one spouse takes on the financial burden while the other stays home to care for the family. As life progresses, the earning partner might expect their spouse to rejoin the workforce, but differing abilities or desires can lead to friction.

Consider another scenario; the years of peak earning, when promotions bring in bonuses and a lifestyle of weekend getaways and fine dining becomes the norm. Then, an economic downturn strikes. That steady flow of income stops, and with it, the financial comfort the relationship once relied on. For many couples, adapting to this sudden shift proves too difficult.

If a marriage is measured by material gains and lifestyle perks, its foundation may already be on shaky ground. True partnerships are tested not in the highs but in how they weather the lows.

Entering The Empty Nest Phase

When children grow up and move out, couples often find themselves navigating a new chapter in their lives. For some, the empty nest is a chance to rediscover each other and embrace newfound freedom. But for others, it's a stark reminder of how much their marriage revolved around parenting rather than partnership.

Many couples realise they've spent so many years focused on their children that they've forgotten how to connect as a couple. Without the children bridging the gaps, the cracks in the relationship become harder to ignore. This sudden shift can feel overwhelming and often leads to emotional distance or separation.

Rebuilding a marriage after decades is no easy feat. While some turn to grandchildren or new commitments for distraction, these efforts rarely address the underlying issue, learning how to truly be together again. The empty nest phase is a turning point that, for many, unfortunately ends in divorce.

Lack Of Trust And Infidelity

Infidelity is a painful and often decisive factor in many divorces. It can start off with small, suspicious changes like unexplained business trips, secretive text messages, or a sudden change in the way a partner behaves at home. Over time, these signs eventually turn tough to turn a blind eye to, leaving one partner feeling betrayed and uncertain.

For a marriage to heal after infidelity, both partners need to be willing to confront the damage and rebuild trust. If the unfaithful partner isn't ready to put in the work, the relationship may be beyond repair.

Cheating, dishonesty, and the feeling of being betrayed are major contributors to divorce, even after years of shared history. For many couples, once trust is broken, it's too hard to rebuild, and the relationship falls apart.

To Experience Freedom And Begin A New Chapter

In long-term relationships, couples often reach a point where they feel confined by the familiar dynamics that have shaped their partnership. Partners may feel they are preventing each other from evolving or reaching their full potential. While this realisation is difficult, some eventually recognize that separating might be the healthier path forward.

When a couple splits after many years together, it often leaves those around them questioning what went wrong. For many long-married couples, the desire for a fresh start or a new chapter becomes the primary motivator behind the decision to part ways.

It may sound trivial, but after spending decades with the same person, the pull for something different can become overwhelming. This search for newness, whether emotional or personal, often drives couples to divorce.

To wrap it up, no matter what the reason for ending a long relationship is, it does come with a deep emotional toll for both the partners.

Getting back to A.R. Rahman and Saira Banu's divorce, which is very unfortunate, fitness coach Priyanka Lahiri had this to say on X (formerly Twitter).

"Woke up to this app only to find A.R. Rahman posting his divorce hashtag. What an era to live in". Something to think about?