How Fear Of Abandonment Can Appear In Romantic Relationships: Signs And Ways To Heal From It

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Even though it is natural to feel scared or fear losing someone when you love someone deeply. Yes, the thought itself is extremely painful, but, when you constantly worry about others leaving you without having any evidence of it, then you may throw the possibility of a meaningful relationship out of the window and live your life in fear of abandonment.

To prevent their inevitable fear from surfacing, they can become possessive, clingy or even manipulative. This can wreak havoc and destroy both romantic and non-romantic relationships in their lives.

What Is Fear Of Abandonment?

Fear of abandonment is the overwhelming but unwarranted worry or fear that people you love or are close to will leave or abandon you physically and/or emotionally. This can lead to immense anger and anxiety and therefore, those who deal with this problem make too much effort to prevent being alone like constantly phoning, meeting or texting a person, physically clinging to someone, and even threaten to harm themselves if a person leaves them, mentions nhs.uk website. This can be seen in people who have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

People who have abandonment issues live in fear of the losses and at times they can also act as a catalyst to push people out of their lives so that the idea of loss doesn't surprise them.

The experiences that can cause the fear of abandonment are abuse, emotional and/or physical abandonment, neglect, inconsistent affection or intimacy, and invalidation in one's closest relationships. It can go all the way back to the environment in which a child has been raised and they are made to believe that they have little or no significance by their caregivers. Fear of abandonment is also one of the primary components of people with an anxious attachment style.

According to the journal Australian Psychiatry, there are potential triggers that aggravate fear of abandonment in individuals such as:

• Dealing with real or perceived rejections in friendships, family relationships and romantic relationships
• When the patients get discharged from hospital admissions,
• At the workplace when an individual receives negative comments or feedback, and
• In long-term therapy, when therapists/counsellors cancel the appointments or go on leave.

Here are the five major signs of how fear of abandonment can appear in romantic relationships.

1. Creating Emotional Walls While Connecting With Others

People who have fear of abandonment in relationships may create emotional barriers while talking to their partners because they have learned from the experience that being vulnerable in a relationship can lead to further abandonment. They may have come across partners who have used their pain to full their own self-interests or needs. As a result, in romantic relationships, they stay distant and detached just to protect themselves.

2. Getting Attached Too Quickly

Fastracking a relationship, getting attached too quickly to someone and revealing a lot of details with strangers or the wrong people can only lead to confusion and zero connection. This pattern can have its roots in the past- maybe you are abandoned in previous relationships or in your childhood, or your primary caregiver invalidated you. Therefore, there is a tendency to draw parallels between past and present situations and feel scared or terrified of rejection or abandonment.

3. Being With Emotionally Unavailable Partners

This can be a conscious decision because the partner with a fear of abandonment perceives them as a challenge and then there is an unconscious goal to either rescue that partner or win over them. This comes from a person's deep underlying emotions which are pain, hurt or fear. Therefore, rather than focusing on self, they distract themselves by chasing people who are emotionally detached.

4. Not Fully Aware Of Self Identity

They may try to imitate or mirror the partner they are in a relationship with to feel accepted, loved, valued and wanted. This problem starts in childhood and navigates its way into adulthood. When one has a very fragile or false sense of self-identity then they end up placing too much trust in people they consider closest to them to diminish the fear of abandonment. Therefore, they lose themselves as an individual in relationships and keep modifying or changing their interests depending on what their partner likes.

5. History Of Ending Relationships

If someone has experienced abandonment in childhood or even in past adult relationships, they use it as a reason to leave their partners or end the relationship early. In order to go away from their partner, they may also initiate a fight or argument and devalue their partner. They do this to diminish the fear of abandonment and get away from the relationship first rather than getting dumped (which may not be true) so that there is less emotional pain.

Other signs include:

6. Getting engaged in self-blame often by making themselves responsible for the actions or behaviours that are not even committed by them,
7. Developing a trust deficit in relationships and feeling jealous of everyone around them,
8. Dealing with separation anxiety and depression that are unknown or unheard to the other partners,
9. Becoming a people pleaser and containing anger and control issues,
10. Engaging in unwanted sex and having problems when it comes to expressing emotional intimacy,
11. Overthing everything and trying to find inner or hidden meanings in them, and
12. Not being able to accept criticism and being too hypersensitive about it.

How To Overcome Fear of Abandonment In Romantic Relationships:

1. Attend To Your Own Needs First

Forget about other people's opinions and focus on yourself first and this will become a great way to deal with your fear of abandonment. If you want your power back then attend to your needs instead of turning into a people pleaser or developing codependency. Remember self-care is not selfish.

2. Go For Safe Relationships

Do not gravitate towards toxic relationships, instead find someone for yourself who is emotionally available and can where you can feel emotionally safe. If you are planning to heal yourself then look for people who really love, support and respect you. When you surround yourself with the right people it diminishes the feeling of pain or trauma that has led to fear of abandonment issues in you. Being in the right relationship will help you to understand that not all relationships end tragically.

3. Pay Attention To Your Problems And Heal Them

When feelings trigger pain and hurt in you and spell unsafe, you need to attend to your inner child and learn how to calm things down inside. Affirmation is essential here and therefore journaling through your fears and visualizing that you are comforted and at peace will work wonders. Having an internal conversation will help you to navigate through the discomfort and myriad of emotions that you are experiencing. Meditation and yoga will also help you here.

4. Don't Run Away From The Past, Learn From It

Take the lessons of the past in a positive manner and try to integrate your trauma to diminish the fear of abandonment. To understand that the negative situations you have been in are just a part of your life and it doesn't define the whole of you. Express your repressed emotions by writing letters one for yourself and the other for the person who has caused you pain. You don't need to post these letters, keep them to yourself. Also, you can talk about your emotions to a counsellor.

5. Feel Your Fear, Pain But Do Not Act On Them

Understand your feelings, face your fear and challenge negative emotions. Look forward to positive and good things with your partner. If you are in a safe relationship then automatically fear and pain will take a backseat but if you believe that you are in a toxic one, then look for evidence. However, find a way to break a harmful, negative belief system that you hold on to, release your emotions and become more clear-headed in order to move forward. Practice gratitude and kindness as well.