A Letter To The Ex Who Never Made An Exit....

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Hi, dear long-distance ex,

I hope you are doing fine and I hope your present and future dates be prettier than me.

I know my other blogs were not for you because I used to think that you are an infinite memory that cannot be described into words. But, today when I saw your social media feed full of pictures and comments of other girls and your involvement towards them, I knew it was high time to close this chapter too. From dating you for 3.5 years to being friends with benefits with you for the past 1.5 years, I guess you gave me a world full of all the emotions.

Today, when you push me away to other guys asking me to date someone else and eat their heads..my heart tears apart and questions you..how could you?

Would you be okay if someone else would call me baby?

Would you be okay if somebody else would call me at 2 for a quickie?

Or would you be okay if somebody else would grab my breasts while kissing me?

Or would you be okay if somebody else would kiss my forehead, while my head rests on his chest?

Might be okay for you, but not for me...

Today when you say...you do not want a future with me...my heart tears apart because I would still name my baby girl the name we decided for ours. Today, when you call me names...tears roll down my cheek, but I do not want to utter a word because your abuses don't mean to me anymore.

I knew things didn't exist between us anymore when you stopped finding me physically and emotionally attractive.

I knew things could never be mended when you said we can just be friends with benefits...

I knew we are done when you never bothered if I cry on my birthday eve...

The phone still waits for your calls after 12, late night...

There are places that I want to go...but only with you...

There are things I want to do...but only with you...

There are some things that I want to talk about...but only with you...

I do not want anything...just call me beautiful for once...just for once...

I might have a date now, but a soft corner for you still exists.
I might be under someone or on top of someone, but the fantasy still has you somewhere.
I might say that I have moved on, but honestly, nobody could replace you.

One day somebody might love me and respect me more than you, but I guess I cannot love the person as much as I have loved you.
The scars left by you have made me a sufferer of philophobia.

I know my heart would never do justice to my future man and the reason will obviously be you.

Your morning smell, your voice, your breath, your touch, your forehead kisses, they all are somewhere inside me and still keep on refreshing the memories of the rain on dry soil. But, deep in my heart, I know that you are gone and won't come back.

You might make a call or leave a text on my birthday, but I know that they crave to celebrate it with you won't be satisfied.

You might one day answer my calls and texts, but I know that there won't be long beautiful conversations like before.

You might meet me someday, but I know the meeting won't be a date.

You might kiss me someday in the heat of the moment, but I know it won't have that affection.

You might ask me about my whereabouts someday, but I know, it won't have that care like it used to be.

So, what if you don't love me anymore, I know you also hold a soft corner for me. First love is precious, a non-erasable memory. It is like a cloud from where nothing can ever be erased. It is like the smell of the first rain, which can never be forgotten. It is like the dessert for which you will never fall short of love and crave. It is the feeling that is locked inside the heart for a lifetime.

You might be my ex, but you are the guest of my heart that never made an exit.

A guest whom I can never get rid of.

A guest that was a homie but now a scar and a memory for a lifetime.

I wish one day when I make babies with some other man and when they grow up, I could tell them what first love feels like and how to choose the right one.

I wish one day you come across them and feel my presence somehow.
But, it's okay if you ignore them too, the way you ignore me.

I would still tell my future grown-up daughter that how beautiful first love and its memories are and might be about you too.

But, don't worry, I will make sure that they respect you and not hate you.

I hope someday, somewhere this letter reaches you and you read it too; but don't feel the same pain as

I do. I wish you never feel this miserable. I wish your future and present date loves you more than I ever will.

With immense love and pain,
Your forever ex.