How To Encourage Our Children To Fuel Growth And Not Just Seek External Validation

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Encouraging our children is an essential aspect of parenting, but it's equally crucial to avoid turning them into "praise junkies" who rely excessively on external validation. Finding the right balance involves nurturing their intrinsic motivation, self-esteem, and resilience.

Let's explore some effective strategies to encourage children without creating praise-dependent behaviours, along with examples to illustrate each approach.

1. Focus on Effort and Process:

Rather than solely praising outcomes, highlight the effort and dedication your child puts into their endeavours. Recognise the steps they take and the progress they make, regardless of the final result.
Example: Instead of saying, "You are so smart for getting an A," try, "I noticed how diligently you studied for that test. Your hard work paid off, and you improved your grades!"

2. Provide Specific and Descriptive Feedback:

Offer feedback that focuses on the specific actions, behaviours, or qualities your child displayed. Be descriptive in your observations to help them understand what they did well and what they can improve upon.
Example: Instead of general praise like, "You did a great job," say, "I appreciate how you helped your younger sibling with their homework. Your patience and support made a significant difference."

3. Encourage Intrinsic Motivation:

Foster your child's inner drive by helping them set personal goals and giving them autonomy in decision-making. Encourage them to pursue activities they genuinely enjoy and find meaningful.
Example: If your child is interested in art, let them choose their own projects and explore various techniques. Encourage them to create art for the joy of self-expression, rather than for external validation.

4. Teach Growth Mindset:

Promote the idea that abilities can be developed through effort, practice, and learning from mistakes. Encourage your child to embrace challenges, persevere through setbacks, and see failures as opportunities for growth.
Example: When your child faces a difficult math problem, say, "It's okay to find this challenging. Let's work on it together, and remember, mistakes help us learn and get better."

5. Acknowledge Progress and Improvement:

Celebrate progress and milestones along the way, even if the achievements are incremental. Highlight their growth and the value of continuous learning and effort.
Example: If your child is learning to play an instrument, acknowledge the progress they've made, such as mastering a new song or improving their technique.

6. Encourage Self-Reflection:

Teach your child to reflect on their own accomplishments, strengths, and areas for improvement. Help them develop self-assessment skills by asking questions like, "What do you think you did well?" and "What could you do differently next time?"
Example: After a sports game, ask your child to reflect on their performance, what they contributed to the team, and what aspects they want to work on for the next game.

7. Promote a Balanced Perspective:

Teach your child to value feedback from various sources, including their own internal assessment. Encourage them to seek constructive criticism and diverse viewpoints to gain a well-rounded perspective.
Example: If your child receives positive feedback from a teacher, help them understand that it's essential to consider both positive and constructive feedback to continue improving.

8. Model Healthy Self-Evaluation:

Be mindful of how you evaluate and talk about your accomplishments and efforts. Model self-reflection, humility, and resilience in the face of challenges.
Example: Share your own experiences of learning from mistakes or setbacks, and express how you value the process of growth and improvement.

9. Foster A Supportive Environment:

Create an atmosphere where mistakes are seen as learning opportunities and effort is celebrated. Emphasize the importance of collaboration, empathy, and kindness, rather than solely focusing on individual achievements.
Example: When your child faces a setback, provide emotional support and remind them that everyone faces challenges. Encourage them to seek help, work with others, and learn from their experiences.

10. Unconditional Love and Acceptance:

Above all, ensure that your child feels unconditionally loved and accepted, regardless of their achievements. Make it clear that their worth as an individual goes beyond external accomplishments.
Example: Express your love and support for your child, emphasizing that you value them for who they are, not just for what they achieve. Let them know that their efforts and growth are cherished, regardless of the outcomes.

By implementing these strategies, you can encourage your children in a balanced way, nurturing their intrinsic motivation, self-worth, and resilience. Remember, the goal is to help them develop a healthy mindset that values growth, effort, and personal development beyond seeking constant external validation.