How To Discipline Children Without Punishment

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"Discipline is helping a child solve a problem. Punishment is making a child suffer for having a problem. To raise problem solvers, focus on solutions, not retribution." - L.R. Knost

A staunch supporter of Gentle Parenting, I have come across people questioning, but does that mean the kids are allowed to do anything? Well, no, being gentle does not mean being permissive. Parents are the authority figure in the Parent-Child relationship. It is our job as primary caregivers to keep the children safe and coach them on boundaries. How we enforce or regulate these boundaries is where gentle discipline comes in.

Research suggests that punishment as a form of discipline may be less effective for children than other methods. Punishment can lead to temporary compliance, but it does not address the underlying causes of the behaviour and can even lead to negative consequences such as resentment or aggression. Studies have shown that children who are frequently punished are more likely to have behavioural problems, lower self-esteem, and poor relationships with their parents.

Gentle discipline emphasises positive reinforcement, setting clear and consistent boundaries, and building a strong, loving relationship with your child. Instead of punishment as a form of discipline, gentle discipline focuses on teaching children appropriate behaviours and problem-solving skills through positive reinforcement, modelling, and guidance. It also emphasises the importance of understanding the child's perspective and addressing the underlying reasons for their behaviour.

Some vital elements of gentle discipline include:

• using positive language and avoiding criticism or blame,
• encouraging and praising good behaviour,
• setting clear and consistent boundaries and limits,
• teaching children problem-solving skills and emotional regulation,
• building a solid and loving relationship with your child,
• being a positive role model and
• being consistent in your approach.

Gentle discipline involves setting limits and boundaries, but it does so in a way that is respectful and supportive of the child's development and well-being.

I am sure the next question will be how do we discipline the kids who are disobedient and would deliberately break the limits? This is where our connection with the child comes into play. Here are a few things we can look into:

1. Disobedience, more times than not, is an effect, and there is an underlying cause. Sometimes we can have toddlers throwing tantrums because they are hungry, tired etc. Teenagers are often overwhelmed with emotions, physical changes, and new responsibilities. They may struggle with various issues, such as academic pressure, social challenges, and identity development. Understanding what is developmentally okay and not rebellious behaviour helps in connecting again. We should be consistent with our setting limits; however, we need to know when to create an environment for the child to process their feelings and be heard and let go of discipline.

2. Minimize screen time and increase outside play. Some evidence suggests that reducing screen time and increasing physical activity can improve behaviour in children. Studies have shown that children who spend more time in front of screens tend to have a higher risk of behavioural problems, including attention problems and hyperactivity. Additionally, physically active children tend to have better self-regulation, attention, and academic performance.

To minimise screen time and increase physical activity in children, parents can:

• Set clear limits on the amount of time children are allowed to spend in front of screens each day
• Encourage children to take breaks every hour when using screens
• Create a "media-free" zone in the home where screens are not allowed, such as the dinner table or bedrooms
• Set a good example by limiting their own screen time
• Provide children with a variety of physical activities to choose from, such as sports, dance, or martial arts
• Make physical activity a part of the daily routine, such as going for a walk or bike ride after school
• Get involved in physical activities with children, such as playing catch or going for a hike together
• Encourage children to find activities they enjoy, such as swimming, running, or playing soccer.
It's important to remember that every child is different and what works for one child may not work for another. Parents should work with their children to find a balance between screen time and physical activity that works best for them.

3. Let go of the power struggle. You and your child are on the same side. You are trying to set them up for success. Always reach with empathy and connection. Power struggles make both the child and the parent feel like opponents. The focus from the behaviour shifts to who wins.

4. Introduce mindfulness activities like yoga & meditation.

5. Introduce journalling. It helps them in processing their emotions. When they are young, can your bedtime or dinnertime chats include feelings about the day beyond what they did? Try activating empathy by asking how they think the other person felt in certain situations.

6. Lastly, do check if there is an underlying problem like ADHD, Dyslexia, or Anxiety which is adding to the little one's stress
It's essential for parents to remain calm and consistent in their discipline and to avoid overreacting to minor infractions. Try to understand the reason behind the behaviour and help your children to express their feelings in a safe and non-judgmental way. Encourage open communication and active listening.

Parenting is the hardest thing we do. We have to learn to give ourselves and our children grace. Dear Parents, know you are doing more than half the work by constantly showing up for your children.

Happy Parenting!!