What does it Take for a Woman to succeed in the 21st Century?

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When I was a little girl I heard my friends' parents point towards me and say "Look at her, she is a born leader. You should be like her." I was eight. I didn't know what they meant. Except I knew I was different. I was brave, out spoken, got angry and yelled at other kids and picked fights. In many ways I was unpopular amongst friends. I knew I was different. What I did know was my parents were different. They encouraged my behavior and the other parents did not. They wanted their girls to follow the norm. It was obvious as I grew up that I was allowed to be independent.

India is producing many women professionals now. The IT industry has created many jobs and opened the doors wide open with many opportunities for women who are not simply engineers and doctors like in the 90s. Yet, when I return home from the U.S. year after year I feel women are making a lot of money and have a lot of freedom outside of their homes, but the society itself is changing rather slowly. The girls who portray immense strength, confidence and professionalism at work and amongst friends are unable to stand up for their rights at home. The patriarchic society is not going to simplify the lives of women unless the women take a bold step towards changing the dynamics of their family lives.

Over the years I have seen many of my friends in the U.S. return to India and have arranged marriages. Most girls are pretty and young. I say young because most guys I have known are thirty or over, but the girls seem to be at a constant age of twenty three. I wonder why this magic number? Anyhow, invariably I befriend these girls and take it upon myself to 'educate' the girls to be independent. My lovely friends, who truly wish I stay out of their lives all of a sudden can't get rid of me. I am a necessary evil in most of their lives as I am well informed on many topics from investments to career advice.

It takes a lot more than college education for a woman to survive today. Being financially independent has to be the foremost goal in every woman's life. Do not quit your job under any circumstances unless you are really certain that your husband makes you feel comfortable and financially secure. Many men take pride in 'taking care' of their wives. But in most cases it does not last very long. It is more a control issue than love.

For generations men have been in charge of finances. Constructing a home, buying a car or any significant investment was their territory. Women only have furnished homes and purchased saris and jewelry. This decade has brought lot more wealth into the hands of women and we need to be savvy and think about investing wisely for the future. I was rather surprised by the way people were spending money when I was in Bangalore two months ago in a shopping mall. Young boys and girls are simply throwing away their earnings on fashion wear. In 2000 I had seen this kind of behavior in Silicon Valley when the stock market was sizzling. Every thing cooled off rather quickly, people had lost jobs, thousands were sent back to India. Cars and homes were being repossessed by the banks. It was deja vu all over again in the Forum Mall. The lesson learned from the rise and fall of the stock market was, we may get only one chance to make money and we need to put some away for the future. Women who are earning handsomely quit their jobs to get married. Many marriages are ending in divorces and in India it is harder to find a job again. It would be very comfortable to have some money stashed away for rainy days.

A very successful surgeon in India married a friend of mine. She quit a government job to come to the U.S. The marriage didn't work and in three months he filed for a divorce. She was on a dependent H-4 Visa and had no choice but to return to India. She had left her job, it was a brief marriage and he owed her nothing as per divorce settlement and her parents had spent several lakhs on the wedding. This can happen to anyone. Women need to be more thoughtful in making decisions about going to the U.S. on the drop of a hat and giving up everything they have for a 'foreign groom.'

The answer is not simple and straight forward to a broad question, but we need to start defining success one day at a time.

About the Author: Asita lives in San Jose, CA and works for IBM Corp. She has volunteered at Maitri, a non-profit organization for 13 years, which helps South Asian women in abusive marriages. Stay tuned for her upcoming novel "Beyond the call of voice"